Guest Post: Confidence in Conflict
Emily Neely
This was the scene in our house this week: My boys (3 and 5) yelling, punches thrown, skin clawed, and the offending parties placed blame on the other. I run up the stairs to the playroom with the “mom look” on my face and my angry eyes ready to serve swift justice. This scene is replayed several times over during the week as my boys try to navigate big feelings in the midst of their play. What if I, as their mom-the adult in the situation, bring calm and stability into their chaos? What would happen?
In order to bring calm and stability into this situation I need to change me. I need an attitude change, a good strategy, and some practical ways my kids and I can cope in stressful situations.
Attitude is everything. I’ve heard this many times over throughout my life. More often than not though, I approach a situation with high emotion and preconceived notions. In order to have an attitude change, I need to change the way I interact with my own kids. Instead of reacting to their anger and resorting to yelling, I might come into the room with an exaggerated, concerned, positive tone and say, “It sounds like you both are having a hard time agreeing. What can we do to resolve this?” Your kids might surprise you and come up with some of their own solutions! Bringing your kids into the conversation helps them realize that they can resolve conflict and teaches them strategies to do it on their own. My kids are always watching how I cope with conflict and difficulties. By changing my attitude and turning to Jesus, they learn that when they are in trouble, or facing a difficult decision they can turn to God. I have found that when I start my day out praying for my kids and my own attitude, I approach situations differently throughout the day.
Conflict is going to happen-let’s just get that out there. There is no strategy that will avoid all conflict. However, a good strategy can help lessen conflict and bring the focus back to the solution. Before encountering your kids who are arguing over who gets the Captain America Lego motorcycle, do what you need to do to focus your mind and enter the room with confidence. Take a breath, say a quick prayer, adopt a mantra (just a few words that refocus your thoughts and emotions). Have a plan before you enter the room. This could include body breaks for your kids (time in a safe space, energy release, or a hug), separation of fighting kids, or moving to another activity. If you normally approach kid conflict (or any conflict) with anger or elevated energy, flip the switch. It just might surprise your kids into an attitude change!
A good strategy should be paired with practical solutions. Your kids can be part of the solution: Ask them to pray or put a hand on your arm when they see you getting frustrated or lose control. Before approaching a volatile situation take an exaggerated deep breath so your kids can hear it. Say, “Wow! I’m feeling (angry, frustrated, confused), I need to take a deep breath!” I used to have my kids take a breath, but who wants to hear, “take some deep breaths!” when they are worked up? When your kids see you taking the exaggerated breaths, it will take their focus from the conflict and remind them that they can take breaths too. Often I will just go near one of my kids and start my own breaths and they will follow suit. One of the best solutions is to let your kids see you fail, and recover from your failure. If you yell, follow up by talking about your feelings in that situation and apologizing. Go into every situation with humility and show your kids you are human and have big emotions too.
Most importantly, turn to God. Pray with your kids, share scripture with them and let them know that God will love them no matter what they do.