Love Your Neighbor. What About Your Family?

Ed Girard

My father just turned 93 and has been in assisted living for the last two years. As his health quickly declines it’s been a blessing to see the relationship between my father and two older sisters change. In his decline he has finally relaxed with them and quit trying to help them through parenting, and is now just enjoying his time with them. My sisters at the ages of 58 and 61 are finally getting to experience the relationship I have had with my father for the last 30 years.

When I was in my early 20’s it occurred to me that my relationship with my father couldn’t be described as affectionate, and he had never told me he loved me and that I had never told him I loved him. I knew he loved me, and I him, but we had never said the words. So, at 23 I decided that I would never end a phone conversation or a visit with him without telling him how I felt about him; a simple “I love you dad.” The first time I did he paused and looked at me funny but didn’t respond. It took five (5) years to wear him down. I remember standing in the kitchen of his house in Bend, OR saying goodbye. I told him I loved him and gave him a hug as I was about to leave and to my surprise he returned with an “I love you too, Ed.” Our relationship changed that day. Over the next few years my dad changed from trying to parent me like a teenager to having an adult relationship with me simply as his son, and he became one of the most affectionate, loving people in my life. He became a different father than the one I had grown up with.

Relationships with our family members are usually a lot messier and more convoluted than our relationships with our friends and neighbors. At times it seems much easier to follow Jesus’ two commandments with our neighbors than to love our immediate family members:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matthew 22: 37-39).

Truly achieving this call from Jesus is tough. Really tough. If we’re honest with ourselves we are all on a journey to achieve this kind of love for others and God, but will not truly reach it until we are taken home to be with Jesus. As I think about Jesus’ call and my own family dynamics, I find myself asking “how do we love the people around us and in our Oikos like Jesus is calling us to if we can’t love our family members in this fashion?” I don’t think we can to the degree Jesus is calling us without work on loving our own families.