Forgive as the Lord forgives!

Tom Milner

Every person experiences conflict from time to time. No matter how hard you try to avoid it you are going to have conflict. Each of us want our own way, or have an opinion on how things should be done, or our feelings are going to be hurt by something said or by some wrong done to us. None of us want to face these difficulties but they are part of life. Many of us would prefer to avoid conflict. We would like to live in peace and harmony with one another but we fall into a habit of pushing our problems or conflicts further and further down the line. Whatever our reason, fear seems to play a hand in our avoidance. The problem is, avoiding hard discussions and conflict resolution with the person or persons actually makes the problem worse or harder to overcome. Let’s take a look at five reasons why you should not wait to resolve conflict.

1 - You make up stories in your head

It’s easy to fill in the blanks when you are not communicating about a problem. Left to our own devices, we can easily create narratives in our own heads that explain the person’s behavior or the problem at hand. But that doesn’t mean we are drawing the correct conclusion. If you haven’t asked the person’s motivation or point of view, it’s important to do so before you begin deciding that you have the entire story. Getting the problem out in the open is much healthier and more constructive than getting invested in a story that isn’t true. “If someone has done you wrong, do not repay him with a wrong. Try to do what everyone considers to be good. Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody.” Romans 12: 17-18

2 - Emotions get blown out of proportion

When we create our own narratives around an unresolved conflict our emotions associated with the story grow. Resentment, anger, disappointment, and hurt rise from a problem left unresolved and eventually you won’t be able to mask your feelings. (I’ve been guilty of doing this.) Living in truth and authenticity means that it’s best to let the other person know, sooner rather than later, that you are upset or disagree about something. Otherwise you or it will soon over boil and say or do things that you regret. “Hot tempers cause anger, but patience brings peace.” Proverbs 15:18

3 - The situation drags out longer than necessary

We often put off conflict resolution out of fear. It’s painful to have hard conversations with people and it can take time away from your normal routine. So, in the name of preserving routine, we often avoid the conversations for too long. By default, that means the conflict goes on longer that it has to [or should] In life, how we choose to use our time is of utmost importance to our work, our goals and our relationships. If you choose to let valuable time pass before resolving a problem with people, I can guarantee you will lose valuable time during the resolution process. “Be tolerant with one another and forgive one another, whenever any of you has a complaint against someone else you must forgive one another just as the Lord has forgiven you. And to all these qualities add Love, which binds all things together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:13-14

4 - The risk of deep hurt is higher

If you and the person that you are in conflict have a long-standing unresolved conflict the chances of being hurtful to one another rise with the passing time. Chances are both of you are harboring some strong feeling about the situation-or even towards one another. When these feelings come out, it can be all too easy to hurt one another deeply in the process of uncovering them.

5 - The conflict is, ultimately, harder to overcome

The best time to deal with a problem is when it begins-or as early as possible afterward. Letting a conflict fester, then explode, means you could easily hurt one another. When hurt and pain extend beyond the initial conflict, this season will be much more difficult to overcome.

Wrapping Up

Tackling hard conversations and resolving conflict requires great courage. The good news is, the sooner you deal with the problems you’re facing, the sooner you can move past them. There will be times when you’ll need to wait for a short period of time before you discuss a conflict. Appropriate timing is just as important as not putting off important discussions. But the bottom line is, you shouldn’t let a hurt fester unchecked between the two of you. 

“But the wisdom that comes from Heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17